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| Signed up: |
7 years ago (1/06/05)
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Last signed in:
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3 years ago
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Total time online:
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0d 5h 24m
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34 year-old male from Atascadero, CA
| Latest Post | |
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Only the Lonely (shoop shoop shoop doby)
I work alone. I drive alone. I live alone. (He's lying. Dan is currently homeless.) Shut up Mr. Parenthesis. I'm projecting forward. When I have a place to live, it will be alone. When I go out to eat I request a table for two. Not because I have a guest that will be arriving, but because when the other member of my party doesn't show up (because she doesn't exist) I want to see if the waitress will give me a free entrée out of pity. (Surprisingly, this usually works. All it costs is your dignity.) I spend so much time alone that I have found many things to do when you are bored and alone. So in celebration of being bored, alone, (largely pathetic), [Way too sober, man] and generally useless I am going to include a list of things that I do. Being an expert on being alone I can give all you people out there in the computer universe an idea of what you can do to help you down your career of loneliness. Here is an idea of Dan's Day (similar to Data's Day only without the tap dancing and Romulan spy). God you're such a nerd.
3.00 am: Wake up with hangover. Beseech higher power for just a few more hours sleep.
5.15 am: Wake up again. Still with hangover. Relieve mounting sexual tension. Re-beseech higher power for sleep. Higher power declines due to sin associated with relief of mounting sexual tension.
5.20 am: Spend 30-40 minutes wishing for a swift blow to the head to end the fact that hangover feels like having received a swift blow to the head.
6.00 am: Start to get out of bed.
6.10 am: Complete Bedectomy procedure.
6.15 am: Stand in bathroom. Take aspirin, multigrain vitamin, and several glasses of water.
6.25 am: March into kitchen. Make coffee.
6.28 am: Attempt to remove coffee pot from under stream of still-brewing coffee without making a mess to pour cup of super coffee. Fail.
6.33 am: Clean up mess made from super coffee procedure. Proceed to back porch to chain smoke and watch all the people with real jobs leave for work.
7.45 am: Cough violently for about twenty minutes. Relieve sexual tension.
8.05 am: Plop down on couch and begin watching cartoons.
10.45 am: Make second pot of coffee. See 6.28 am for details.
11.00 am: Switch from cartoons to old reruns of Scrubs and Arrested Development. Relieve sexual tension.
1.00 pm: Experience blurred vision and visible shaking from not having eaten any solid food in almost 36 hours.
1.05 pm: Remove yesterday's boxer shorts and sweats. Put on today's boxer shorts and sweats. (Which actually consist of the boxer shorts and sweats from the day before yesterday. You wouldn't believe the smell, people.)
1.10 pm: Get into vehicle. Drive to closest fast food chain. Doesn't matter which.
1.18 pm: Arrive at drive through. Order enough food to feed the crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln. Eat approximately one third of all the food and throw the rest into the refrigerator. (Never to be seen again.)
1.35 pm: Arrive home. Realize you forgot to buy beer and cigarettes. Swear violently until you cough violently.
1.45 pm: Arrive at grocery store. Take great care to convince clerk that you are an actual paying customer and not a vagrant.
1.50 pm: Emerge from grocery store with 1 forty ounce bottle of Bud Light, 1 six pack of Heineken and 1 twelve pack of Paps Blue Ribbon. (Honestly people he wonders why he is alone. He cried about it once for almost an hour.) Shut up Mr. Parenthesis, I did not. (He did so. He was almost as pathetic as Barclay in the Holodeck laying on Counselor Troi's lap like that.) Oh will you lay off the Star Trek references, already!? (Sorry. Still buzzed from hearing J.J. Abrams is working on the new film). Genuinely, seriously don't care.
1.57 pm: Arrive home. Drink forty ounce Bud Light immediately.
2.01 pm: Finish fourth bottle of Heineken.
2.03 pm: Pause briefly to contemplate behavior.
2.08 pm: Ahh screw it.
2.15 pm: Finish six pack of Heineken. Start Paps Blue Ribbon now that remaining taste buds are sufficiently fried.
2.20 pm: Listen to the phone ring for about 22 seconds.
2.30 pm: Sit down and attempt to write something cohesive. Fail.
3.15 pm: Dance around the living room for about twenty minutes to The Promise by When In Rome.
3.40 pm: Drunken Dial for about 2 hours fishing for someone to talk to.
5.52 pm: Wonder what that thing was that had to get done today.
6.33 pm: Stop caring about what that thing was.
6.36 pm: Run out of cigarettes.
6.50 pm: Arrive on foot at corner store. Buy cigarettes and make a pass at the girl behind the counter. Get laughed at. Relieve sexual tension. Leave store.
6.58 pm: Stop at the park on the way home. Play on the swing set for about twenty minutes.
7.15 pm: Commence vomiting.
7.27 pm: Conclude vomiting. Pass out in grass.
8.58 pm: Be woken up by private security guard. Go to great lengths to convince him that you are not a vagrant.
9.26 pm: Arrive home. Finish Paps Blue Ribbon. Lay on couch watching a movie. (He uses the term "watching" loosely. His face is usually just pointed at the screen. Most times he doesn't even know what he is watching. He likes the pretty colors.)
10.37 pm: Call ex-girlfriend ask her why she left. Beg her to come home. Have violence threatened against you by current her boyfriend.
11.18 pm: Pass out in bed.
Okay that's it everybody. My average day. I hope this will enrich your lives and make your journey through the rest of your life alone as calm and fulfilling as mine has been. If you need any visual pointers just watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. That will pretty much sum it up for you.
(Hi, I'm Mr. Parenthesis…)
(I think the preceding article speaks for itself. There is nothing more sad and pathetic than a thirty year-old bachelor with a shaky moral compass.)
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| Awards | | | | The Goods | | | Name |
Daniel | | Occupation |
EMT (Emergancy Medical Technician) | | Birthday |
August 3rd, 1977 | | Interests |
Writing. I really want to get into snowboarding. Ummmmmm what else. I guess that is it. | | Gamertag |
| | BIGDAN11'S... | | | Music |
Mostly Rock. I cannot stand hard core Gangster rap. Hip Hop I have been getting into a little. Jazz I like. Just instrumental Jazz I don't like vocal jazz. Many other types of music. | | Movies |
Interstate 60. Great movie. Not too many people have heard of it. | | TV Shows |
I don't really watch TV. Hate the commercials. The more advertising I see the less I want to buy. I do get the collected dvd series of shows. There is Arrested Developement. I really enjoy the Adult Swim series from Cartoon Network. Of course the Simpsons. A British show called Coupling. Enough for now. | | Books |
Anything by Tom Robbins |
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