September 6th, 2006

Prepare to have your mind fucking blow away. It's time for another:

The Royal King's Reasoning of Unreasonable Things

Today I will give my reasoning that Zombies, or more specifically the Undead, exist or have existed.

Think about the most of the horror creatures we see in our culture. Vampires, Zombies, The Mummy, Frankenstein, Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, Janet Reno. What do they all have in common? They are Undead (or once dead and have returned). This is mythology. And, as any English major will tell you, all mythology that has and ever will be written can be traced back or directly linked to one book: The Bible.

There is not a single story that cannot be traced to the Bible. Shakespeare, Hemmingway, Steven King...every story by every author can be traced to the Bible. Why? Because every possible scenerio is covered somewhere, somehow. Some examples:

Levatation / Flying -- Jesus walks (hovers) on water.

Transmutation / Alchemy -- Jesus turns water into wine. Moses turns his staff into a snake.

Sonic Destruction -- Joshua's trumpet destroys the walls of Jericho.

Alien Abduction -- Jesus ascends into the clouds, Micheal wrestles an Angel (or vistor?)

The list goes on and on. Not to mention every love story ever written is covered in the bible (thoroughly). So what does this have to do with Zombies, you ask? Well, you may think I'm talking about Jesus rising from the dead (Easter)....but you're wrong. Jesus's story of resurrection is about life after death. The metaphoric connatations of that are so strong it's surreal. But there is another story I'm referring to in the Bible. One of a dead person returning to life...a story that is immediately dropped and never referred to again. A story in which we never find out what happened to the resurrected person after he is returned to life. And his name is Lazarus.

Yes, Lazarus. The man that Jesus resurrects from the dead. After the miracle, Jesus wonders off to do other spectacular things...and we never hear of Lazarus again. Did he die...again? Or did he live, perhaps to this day?

Whether you believe the story of Lazarus is irrelevant. Fictional or Truth, it is mythology either way. And every mythological story is based on truth, even the least bit. So here is where the reasoning stops and I leave you with your last bit of food for thought:

The Bible follows almost every miracle that Jesus performs till the end, except for Lazarus. Why is that? And since every fictional story is based on truth, where did the concept of Zombification acting like a plague come from, and why is that concept so strong when we think of the Undead? Why does the Bible skip some time between the Lazarus miracle and the events leading to the Last Supper? Was there some Lazarus-inspired Zombie Outbreak in biblical times?

Think about that.