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2 years ago (12/04/09)
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Last signed in:
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2 months ago
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Total time online:
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2d 4h 49m
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24 year-old male from Tampa, FL
You tell me that I sin, you say I'm bound for hell. So once your judgment condemns you, I SHALL SEE YOU THERE!
www.PandorasCanvas.com | Latest Post | |
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Evil Genius Deathtrap Speeches
1."In exactly one hour, a powerful suppository will be injected into the anus of the elephant suspended above you. By the time my lesbian ninjas have outed the president, you'll be buried under a thousand pounds of dung!"
2."And since you'll be driven stark raving mad by the Mr. Softee jingle within seconds, I might as well tell you that in five minutes, I plan to reveal to the world that professional wrestling is… fixed!"
3."Before my slavishly devoted gorilla 'Charles' inflicts a fatal wedgie upon you, I'll have you know that I've secretly replaced all of American Idol's contestants with… even less talented doubles!"
4."Mine! The world's supply of the revolutionary hair removal gel Nad'sTM is mine! ALL mine! And all you can do is pray that my toothless, geriatric great white shark gums you to death quickly!"
5."I hope you're not afraid of the dark, because once I seal you inside this barrel of singing maggots, you'll LEARN how to be afraid. Oh yes. It will be quite an education."
6."I don't expect you to talk – I expect you to die! But all I have is this length of dental floss, a boot, and a tray of deviled eggs, so it will take TIME! BUT YOU WILL DIE!"
7."If you don't tell me EXACTLY each of the 11 secret herbs and spices, then I will be forced to make you wear this sandpaper thong and live La Vida Loca until your thighs explode!"
8."See how my laser cuts this delicious rump of corned beef into succulent, paper-thin slices? Think about what that would do to your shoes, or your glasses, or yes, even that prized belt-buckle of yours. There are no depths to which I won't plunge in order to get what I want!"
9."I can see you're very hungry, Ms. O'Donnell. And you're only going to get hungrier. So now's the time to ask yourself: which cheeseburger is flame-broiled and which is flame-enabled?"
10."Before we administer the 20 gallon enema of boiling mercury, I just want you to know what a real thrill it's been working with you. I really admire your professionalism."
11."Yes, this forced viewing of the nonstop 'Gimme a Break' marathon WILL slowly liquefy your cerebral cortex! And let it stand as a lesson to all interlopers who dare futz with my remote control settings!"
12."One by one I will cut off your appendages and fax them to the police – and while their backs are turned, that pair of old sneakers dangling from the power lines will be MINE!"
13."At the end of the pendulum is a crisp new sheet of oak tag which, when it reaches your bare torso, shall paper-cut you to your doom!"
14."While my fashion-victim assistant Repulso forces you to model the entire spring line of the Skidz collection, I'll be successfully pilfering the city's entire supply of SnackWells!"
15."Um, you stand over there and die and shit, and I'll, um, you know… be all evil."
16."While your entire body is coated with Wite-Out, causing your pores to suffocate, you'll be powerless to stop my assault on our nation's patio furniture industry!"
17."You won't dare to be seen in public with that temporary tattoo of a butt on your forehead, leaving me free to shoot my way onto the set of Hannity and Colmes and sing my original song, 'Love is a Mile of Smiles!'"
18."They all said I was mad! They were fools! Unless they meant mad about 'smores, in which case I stand corrected."
19."The industrial-strength Metamucil tablet I dropped into your wine will keep you on the toilet just long enough for me to transmit my evil message to every last nefarious ham radio operator on earth!"
20."So ends our deadly game of emu and platypus..."
21."This is the compound where I hunt the most dangerous game of all: man. I'd hunt bunnies, but they're just too cutesy-wutesy! Isn't that right, Mr. Snuggles? Isn't that right? 'Oh yes it is!" says Mr. Snuggles!"
22."Now if you behave, I'll let you, in a twist of irony, push me into the very vat of boiling cranberry sauce into which I intended to push YOU!"
23."Citizens of the world: this is your new tyrant speaking. Make me a sandwich, please."
24."These Chihuahuas were abandoned at birth and raised by piranhas. They'll start at your toes and by the time they've finished, the entire world will be dancing to my evil polka!"
25."Before nailing you to this cross, Mr. Christ, I just want to let you know that this rag-tag little cult of yours is but a passing fad!"
26."Before this giant Ginsu knife turns you into sushi, I'll have you know that the Prime Minister is at this very moment being photographed with his illicit harem of gerbils!"
27."Before I lower you into the cage of fork-tongued telemarketers, I'll have you know that I've removed the caffeine from the world's supply of Mountain Dew!"
28."At the stroke of midnight, this pit of Rice Krispies will begin slowly filling with milk. While you're being snapped, crackled, and popped to death, my robots will be at the UN – flushing every toilet at the same time!"
29."Once and for all, Mr. Claus, I was not "naughty" in 1993. Your impudence is intolerable – which is why my operatives are at this very moment ensuring that a homemade explosive awaits your fat ass in every chimney in Cincinnati!"
30."Before you take the stage tonight, I shall broadcast your true ages and sexual orientations to the audience, and watch in glee as you are angrily trampled by hordes of dejected adolescent girls!"
31."As I watch your plasticized form disintegrate in the Orange Crush acid bath, I'll shout from the rooftops, 'It's over LaToya! Now it is I who wear the gilded crown of ultimate freakishness!'"
32."I may not be evil, and I may not be no genius, but I sure as hell won't stand by while Mister 'I need to see some I.D.' makes a fool outta me and my girls! Fry, you sumbitch! Fry!"
33."You and your little Brooks-Brothers-wearing, investment banker buddies won't last long when I tie you up and feed you to the jackals in the unemployment line!"
34."Before I seal all the exits to this Kenneth Cole, I'll have you kn
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